Hiding antibiotics
inside my wife’s sausages.
I’ve caught chlamydia and crabs
after drunkenly shagging a skanky old slag.
Forgot to wear a condom.
Applying the ointment might prove a problem.

She used to have a sex drive
that was almost equal to mine.
But since she had our second son
she’s hell bent on stopping me having some fun.
What the hell does she expect?
Celibacy from a sex addict?

I cheat on my wife every day.
She had two kids – now I can’t get laid!
I cheat on my wife every day.
Sometimes I have to pay!
I cheat on my wife every day.
If she won’t put out pussy, I’ll have to stray.

Monogamy was sublime
back when we banged all the time.
And the best part of being so close:
no worries or fears of getting a dose.
Now that I shag prostitutes
You’d fill a barrel with the condoms I’ve used.
Fill a barrel with the condoms I’ve used.
These fucking condoms, removing sensation.
Oh! Fuck, I hate these johnnies. I really do.

Just cos the wife’s lost sexual appetite
doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a sex life!

I should have an affair.
Keep to one girl and I won’t have to wear
extra safe condoms
that remove half of the sensation!
The problems attached to having a mistress,
are worth it to feel that extra tightness.
No rubber, no shield betwixt
my throbbing dick and those sweet pussy lips!

You might think I’m a disgrace
sleeping around, and not being safe.
I’m the victim, not my wife.
A life without sex is just relentless strife.
I won’t lay on my death bed
regretting how infrequently my dick got wet.
What the hell does she expect?
A fucking celibate sex pest?

I cheat on my wife every day.
The bird I bang is just a short drive away.
I no longer need to pay.
If she shagged me some more, I wouldn’t stray
Not so much anyway.
Not every night.
Not twice a day.
If she finds out
she’ll be in dismay.
Betrayed,
she might
take my two boys away!